


Fixer Upper

by PrincessFreak



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Changing Tenses, Family Feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Self-Harm, Sibling Bonding, bc I'm too lazy to make all the sections the same tense, not edited well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29974617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessFreak/pseuds/PrincessFreak
Summary: Leonardo has a hard time adjusting to his new role as leader.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo (TMNT), Leonardo & Michelangelo (TMNT), Leonardo & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Fixer Upper

**Author's Note:**

> This was 100% a vent fic because I'm stressed from my midterm and accidentally drank Monster too late at night.

Leo looked at the littering of cuts covering his arms. Shallow cuts, more scratches really, only a few deep enough to have broken skin and scab up. 

He thought it would be a lot easier to forget their presence, but he had to be constantly aware of his gloves, making sure no one could peak in and see. He’s paranoid. And the fabric always makes his cuts itchy. 

It’s... odd. He almost wants someone to see. He wants someone to care. To see that he’s hurt. At least part of him wants help. But that’s all in theory, a vague fantasy where the consequences can be whatever he wants them to be. But in real life, the moment he sees one of them look at him strangely, because he missed on the opportunity to say a pun, or because he was zoning out and missed what they were saying, or maybe because he forgot to smirk and looked exhausted instead… It would send an ice cold wave over his body. It’d be too real, too serious, too frightening. He didn’t want to be treated any differently. He didn’t want things to change. This… thing he’s feeling is only temporary, and he knows he can fix it. But if everyone changes and treats him differently… he’s not sure he’d be able to do it, constantly stuck with everyone viewing him as something to pity. And then he’d never be able to shake the feeling.

...He’s not ready to be a failure.

He’s only been the leader for a few months.

He’s not sure how Raph did it.

But he’s not ready to be a disappointment to everyone. He’s not ready to lose, to fail at the most important job he’s ever had.

He doesn’t know why Splinter would appoint him. The others don’t take him seriously. Raph has been pissy with him. He doesn’t know what leaders are supposed to do. Does he plan a training regiment? Does he set rules? Do they still go in without a plan or is he supposed to be making the plans now?

He doesn’t know, and he hasn’t had the opportunity to ask.

They’ve been focusing on moving into the new lair, their childhood home demolished in battle. 

Leo still remembers going through the rubble that was once his room, picking out what managed to survive. He had always kept his room so clean, but here it laid to waste, like it didn’t even matter. The one responsible chore he could keep up with; and it amounted to nothing as everything laid dirty and broken.

His action figures were in pieces. His comics were torn to shreds, some even burnt with mystic flames. Even his skateboard was split in half.

The only things that came out unscathed were the pure metal Lair Game medallions. He could wipe the dust off and they would still shine with maybe a small amount of dinginess. It made him sick. He used to take such pride in them, but staring at them in that moment made him want to barf, and he wasn’t even sure why.

Is that all that could survive in this? His stupid #1 medallions? What about all the things that brought him happiness? It was like all he was left was his damn pride.

Was it these medallions fault? Obviously not literally. But was it his fault for claiming to be the best all the time? For showboating? For bragging? Did Dad really believe him and decided that meant he’d be a good leader?

He wanted more trust from his family, sure. But he didn’t want the entire weight of the team on his shoulders. He made it a point to be the slacker for a reason.

He didn’t like the new lair. He didn’t like the new room.

Donnie gave him a door, and it was lockable too. Said that now that they’re older they will probably benefit from more privacy. It’s a good thing too. He hasn’t cleaned up his room once. Hasn’t even unpacked his two boxes. He’s afraid everything will come crashing down again, destroying what he could manage to preserve from his old room. He doesn’t want the others to see how poorly his room has been kept. He knows it would set off the red flags faster than he could find a way to defend himself.

And it wouldn’t even be worth it, because he knows one day he’ll be able to clean it. That day is just not today.

He thinks his disillusionment didn’t help the whole “not taken seriously” thing. He couldn’t be a proper leader for them, and Raph kept taking over again even though Splinter said he wasn’t supposed to.

How is he supposed to lead? He can’t do what Raph does, go in head first and ask questions later. But that’s how they’ve always done things.

He thinks Raph hates him now. He didn’t even think it was possible for Raph to hate any of his brothers, but he guesses some people have their limits. He gave a Raph a complex. Splinter decided Raph wasn’t a good leader, so he gave it to only the worst person possible. Of course Raph is angry, jealous, and judgy. Everything Raph has: the responsibility, the work ethic, the passion; are completely lacking in Leo. How did Splinter even justify it to himself? Is this some cruel way of forcing Leo to do better?? 

He’s lucky they haven’t been on any serious missions yet. He’s not sure he could handle it. It’s life or death out there and it’s all on him. If someone gets hurt, then it would be his fault. If someone _dies_... Leo feels nauseous just thinking about it.

He spends more time in his room. His family knows he’s… upset about the change. But he’s certain they don’t understand why, or to the degree he’s upset. They probably think he’s upset he doesn’t get to fuck around reading comics and skateboarding all day.

Even if those activities hadn’t been ripped from his hands by destiny, he doesn’t think he’d be able to do any of his old hobbies anymore. He just can’t find the room in his days anymore, not with the amount of time he spends zoning out in his room, staring at nothing but the wall.

It’s important! Sorting through his endless and senseless thoughts is pretty much like meditation, right? Just a few steps away from it, at most. Nothing to worry about. Perfectly healthy.

It’s ironic he doesn’t have spare time anymore, because now he’s getting more time in the day than ever before. He can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time… at most. He’s always had trouble sleeping, spending more nights than he cares to remember with his mind whirling away while he would wish more than anything for some shut eye. But if he thought it was bad before, now it feels a million times worse. He stays up until his body forces him to pass out. He just can’t sleep. His body has somehow forgotten how.

His sleep deprivation is probably what started all of this. Late at night, or really early in the morning, whichever it would fall in under your schedule, he would need something. Something to do to distract his brain.

He’s not depressed.

Okay, well he _is_ depressed. But he’s not hopeless.

He knows it’s all worse in his head than in real life, only made worse by insomnia. He knows Raph doesn’t really hate him. That Splinter isn’t clueless and knows what he’s doing. That he doesn’t have to abandon all of who he is to be a good leader. But it certainly feels like it right now. And he just needs a way to scream without screaming. So he cuts… and cuts and cuts and cuts. But it’s always shallow. Always fast. A quick release of anger, sadness, _stress_ just to keep his mind focused.

And it’s okay. Because he knows it will be better. This is the hardest part.

He doesn’t think he could ever love this new home. But he could deal with it.

He doesn’t think he will be able to lead the others. But maybe Splinter will see he isn’t cut out for the job and will let them switch back. Or maybe he’ll actual _tell Leo what he wants him to do for once._

He likes seeing the cuts: The red against the green of his skin. He likes feeling the ridges and bumps. He likes the mild pain he gets from scratching the dull knife against his skin. The pain makes it easier to pretend. He can go out, smile at the others, lose himself to conversations, tell his jokes, poke fun, be charming. He can pretend the others don’t notice the deepening of his eyebags, that they don’t see something wrong with him when he zones out in the middle of a Jupiter Jim marathon, that they don’t care how much time he’s been spending in his room to recharge.

It’s okay. He can fix this.

. . . . . .

“Can I borrow your alien action figure?”

It’s a simple question from Raph. It’s not often anymore he and the ex-leader can have a calm and friendly conversation without blowing up at each other. So he hates having to ruin it.

“It’s broken. It broke when the lair collapsed.”

Raph doesn’t seem perturbed, so Leo assumes he didn’t let his tone slip too harshly. Or maybe Raph understands. Leo hasn’t asked the others how much they lost when the lair was destroyed. (Yet another reason he isn’t a good leader).

“Oh, uhm. Well can I borrow one of your other action figures then?”

And Leo can stop himself before it comes out, as he looks at his brother with tired eyes, forgetting to smile.

“They’re all gone Raph.”

At that Raph almost looks concerned, briefly frightened as if he were being forced back into a battle. But it only lasts a second before his face turns into an immediate scoff.

“You’re acting like someone died? Over some children’s toys?! You’re the leader now, you shouldn’t even have toys!” Raph’s voice is harsh, but there’s something hesitant in it. Leo can’t pinpoint it. Maybe he just isn’t as angry as he normally is?

They both know what he said wasn’t true, he’s allowed to have action figures in theory. But Leo still feels it sting his heart, and he has to leave the room.

“Heh, you’re right.” He chuckles, giving a lighthearted wave with his back towards Raph as he walks out of the new living room. He knows he wouldn’t be able to smile even if he tried. He tries to ignore the part of his brain that shows him the exact face Raph must have been looking at him with.

. . . . . .

“Leo can you hang out here with us more? I’m worried about you spending all that time in your room…”

It’s dinner. Everyone’s watching him for an answer, though they’re trying to be subtle about it by hiding their faces in the foo.

Leo puts on a smirk. It shouldn’t be hard to act natural, but when his family worries about him it’s like his body goes stiff. Especially when they’re so blunt like that.

“Sorry Mikey, I’ve got important leader stuff to do in my room.” Hours of zoning out.

“Well can I at least hang with you in there sometimes? Like we used to do?”

Leo chuckles. “You don’t want to know what I do in there Mikey.” It comes off as an innuendo that the table groans at, but he’s not wrong. Mikey wouldn’t be able to handle seeing it.

. . . . . .

“Hey have you been able to get more sleep?” Donnie asks, the only one having experienced Splinter’s snoring issues in their old house, so he’d be naturally curious.

Funnily enough, the snoring would sometimes help Leo. Almost like white noise, he’d follow the pattern and fall asleep pretending to be a child in his sleepy fathers arms.

Now he doesn’t even get that.

“Yeah.” He says, but doesn’t want to go into detail. He doesn’t have much energy to lie today.

“How many hours?” 

They all know he’s had sleeping issues in the past. They know how he used to lie. The question is just an extra safety precaution.

“I’m not sure.” It’s a lie. At best he’s been averaging 3 hours every other day. But at least it’s not a direct lie. 

But the vagueness makes Donnie raise a questioning eyebrow anyways.

. . . . . .

He can’t always control when he passes out. And this time he happened to pass out while they were setting up the skating ramps. He passed out at the back base of one of the ramps, head pressed against it. He was nailing in the reinforcements, leaning his head against the wood because he felt exhausted even doing a task as simple as that. The repetitive motions got to him, and before he even realized it he had passed out with a hammer still in his hand.

Luckily someone must have noticed. When he woke up he was on the couch, the couch’s blanket draped over him.

When he tried to go back in to finish the ramps, he saw that it was already down, and his brothers chewed him out for using tools like that while so tired. He tried to assure them he was fine, just sick or something. But they didn’t believe him.

That day they realized Leonardo’s insomnia had gotten worse.

. . . . . .

Mikey was the one that found out about his room.

He had knocked too hard on the door, and Leo had forgotten to lock it. Probably forgot to even close it fully.

Mikey saw the boxes. The trash, the empty shelves, the messy bed. And Leo could only hope he didn’t see the knife carelessly placed on top of his blanket. He saw Leo sitting on the floor, staring at the wall.

“Leo…” He stated, eyes wide as he took it all in. It shook Leo out of his day dreaming and he froze.

His mind was too tired to do anything he needed to. Talking, yelling, crying… Nothing.

Instead he stood up like a baby fawn learning to walk, legs having fallen asleep after the 4th hour of zoning out. He walked towards his brother, slowly guided Mikey out the room, who was too distracted looking around at all the mess to realize why he was even moving. Then Leo shut the door in his face and locked it. When Mikey realized what had happened he was banging on the door, begging Leo to let him in, but Leo ignored it for now, his thoughts consuming him once more.

And maybe that was a bad choice, because later Leo could tell Mikey had told the others. At least if he had let Mikey in he could have asked his brother for secrecy. But now the others stared at him through dinner, not even trying to hide it. And Leo had trouble hiding his own emotion and anxiety as the others kept their eyes glued to him.

He finished his food as quickly as he could and dismissed himself before they could even ask. But now they knew… Something was seriously wrong with him.

. . . . . .

Raph learned there was more to his frustration with being leader than he thought.

They were fighting. Or, Raph was fighting and Leo was fueling the flames with his smart ass remarks. In all honesty they were less about poking the bear, and more about keeping himself calm. It’s been hard not snapping with each fight, his mind tired of it all and just wanting everyone to shut up. 

Raph was trying to get Leo to start back up with the crime fighting. Their new lair was pretty much done, and it was time to get back into the pattern of it. The missions…

Leo was never good at attending the small missions. Raph went to every mission no matter what. He even had a superhero suit and a stupid hero acronym.

Now Leo had to be that. He had to be the one going out to fight crime at night.

He had no excuses not to. He didn’t sleep, didn’t have anything important to do. But he still couldn’t get himself to even _think_ about putting that much effort into something.

“Why can’t you just suck it up already!” Raph yelled, getting in his face.

“Because I’m not you!” Leo finally yelled back. And if tears pricked his eyes he tried to blink them back before anyone else could notice.

Raph was silent. But Leo knew he couldn’t leave it at that.

“Look,” he tried, uncomfortable but forcing himself to be real for a second if just to shut Raph up with his nagging. “It’s a lot harder for me, okay? I’m trying but…” He didn’t know which route to go with this, but he decided the least depressing excuse was probably best. “I’m not used to having this much pressure. I’m scared I’m going to mess it up.”

And it was clear there was more to it.

The tension was thick.

And Leo wanted to spill. He wanted to cry in his older brother’s arms and forget about this whole thing. He wanted Raph to be there for him again. He was tired of fighting him.

But he knew Raph wasn’t ready. And he wasn’t ready to spill everything yet either.

So he walked out of the room before Raph could even answer. Leaving Raph looking lost and confused behind him.

. . . . . .

Donnie is the one that saw the cuts.

Leo, in his sleepy haze, had accidentally cut too deep. Not _super_ deep, but enough that if he didn’t take care of it, he’d scar for sure. And that couldn’t happen. But he didn’t have anything. No clothes, no towels, nothing that he could use to clean up the blood, so he tried going out. He didn’t even think about hiding it, his mind foggy and hazy with the need to sleep after going sleepless for days.

He thought everyone would be in their rooms getting their shuteye. But Donnie was awake. Sometimes Donnie would stay up late if he got too focused on a project. It was his own brand of insomnia that the others had tried to help the purple brother with.

When Leo was searching the kitchen for the paper towels, he didn’t even hear Donnie’s footsteps before the kitchen light was turned on, almost blinding him from the brightness.

Donnie looked annoyed at Leo, about to tell him something naggy Leo’s assumes, before Donnie caught sight of Leo’s bare arms covered in scratches from front to back. His eyes widened and his jaw went slack, as he rushed forward and took one of Leo’s arms.

Leo couldn’t even respond, couldn’t even think. His body felt like it was shutting down because his worst fear was happening. He knew Donnie would never look at him the same. It would always be filled with pity.

Donnie’s hands gently glided over the numerous scratches. He didn’t even seem relieved that they weren’t deep enough to scar. To him it must have been all the same. Yet another thing that seemed significant to Leo that seemed to amount to nothing.

“You…” Donnie couldn’t even say it, his throat tightening and tears filling his eyes. It made Leo want to cry too. 

And when Donnie clenched his eyes, the tears getting overwhelming as he held his brother’s arm, looking so much like the little kid Leo once knew him as, Leo couldn’t help but cry too.

The flood gates broke and he couldn’t stop the sob that escaped him and the cascading tears. He fell to the floor with a plop, covering his eyes with his hands. He wanted to stop the crying but he couldn’t once they started and eventually he just let himself sob out.

It had been so long since he had let himself cry like this.

Donatello seemed shocked. Leo imagined this was the first time Donnie’s seen him cry like that in forever.

Donnie bent down, and took Leo in his arms, and Leo cried into him unable to hold back anymore. It was all too much, and he was so tired of acting like nothing was wrong. He didn’t care if it will be better in the future, right now he felt like shit and he felt lost on how to even stop feeling like shit.

He needed help. He couldn’t fix this by himself.

Donnie rubbed his back, soothing him with comforting words. Not even focused on the cuts anymore.

Before long Leo has passed out in Donnie’s arms, exhaustion taking hold of him.

Donnie must have carried him to his bed (saw his room… saw the knife). The next day he woke up. He had gotten six hours of sleep for the first time in what felt like forever, and his body felt surprisingly refreshed.

He couldn’t find the knife after that. Donnie must have taken it.

But, unlike he was expecting, the rest of the family didn’t seem to know. Donnie kept it between them, as long as Leo promised to stop. Things continued on as normal. Only this time Donnie would keep the occasional close eye whenever he felt Leo was acting odd. And any time Raph would say something particularly harsh, Donnie would force him to apologize. And when Mikey kept trying to get Leo to open up, Donnie told him to give the blue turtle his space.

. . . . . .

Quitting cold turkey was hard. But he tried to quell the desire in him with something else.

He kept his room a bit cleaner, now that Donnie was dragging Raph in to apologize, and Mikey would keep pretending to forget to knock just to get more looks to make sure it wasn’t getting worse.

Leo finally cleaned up the garbage.

And eventually he took the things out of their boxes.

His shelves were still empty, his bed was still a mess. But it was getting better.

And the others seemed happy with that. Even Raph.

. . . . . .

He stopped spending so much time alone.

Hanging out with Donnie helped. Donnie, he learned, could be trusted to not judge him for not being happy.

There’s many things the purple brother would judge, sure. But Leo’s zoning out was not one of those things. His lack of smile wasn’t commented on. His “laziness” not nagged about like Raph would do. He was allowed to feel sad around Donnie, unlike how he felt with Mikey.

Leo still didn’t talk. And Donnie was horrible at starting the conversations that needed to be had. But that was exactly what Leo needed. And it made it easier to hang out with the others too.

. . . . . .

He started to get more sleep. Raph got him a white noise machine.

And while it helped, the fact that Raph wasn’t so angry at him anymore, that he still loved him enough to buy him something like that from his own money… It helped a lot more.

Soon it was commonplace for him to get 6 hours of sleep, just like how it used to be. He still had his nights, but he felt better and more refreshed. His brain was sharper and it was easier to be happier. And truly happier too, not that fake happy.

They would go on missions, and Leo was sharp enough to come up with quick solutions, which eventually became full plans. The others took notice. And they began listening even more. And while Raph did so the most begrudgingly, he stopped trying to take over for Leo. 

Leo felt like he was starting to understand why Splinter wanted him to be leader. He never even noticed this… planning, scheming, whatever, as a particular skill of his, but he realized that it was almost something he could be good at.

. . . . . .

Mikey helped him feel like himself again.

He would draw Leo pictures, and tell Leo anything and everything, especially when Leo couldn’t talk himself.

Mikey would hug him and squeeze him and pat his head until he felt like Leo would feel better. And eventually Leo would dissolve into laughter at all the attention and affection. It had felt like so long since he’s been able to let loose and laugh again.

Mikey would get him to smile again, and Leo would do the same by telling all the bad jokes and witty comments that would get playful groans and jab backs.

Leo started to watch shows again with Mikey, and sometimes he would read Mikey’s new comics when he was in the mood. It felt nice to enjoy things again, and to have fun again without forcing himself too hard. 

. . . . . .

The cuts are mostly healed. The last cut he made, the deepest one from weeks ago, scabbed over. It was no doubt going to become a scar, but he had been proud of his scars and marks in the past. Battle wounds. Proof of survival and perseverance… He’s taking this one as a sign he’s getting better.

He’s starting to feel proud of himself for going so long without cutting.

He even showed Donnie when they were mostly healed, and the relieved smile and the warm hug Donnie gave him helped Leo feel even lighter and happier.

He still needed some new action figures, more magazines, books and comics, maybe more rewards other than those Lair game medallions, but he felt better, and his house started to feel like his house too.

His brothers started to feel like themselves, though he and Raph could still get heated quite often.

He was getting better at this whole “leadership” thing, though he could certainly work better on his responsibility.

And he felt better and back in his body.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all should rewatch Lair Games cause Leo's room is so clean???


End file.
